It’s always puzzled me why many of my friends seem to be unable to find what they would call, “a good man”.
These women were beautiful, they had good careers, they were emotionally mature, they took care of themselves and were, generally speaking, good catches.
Again and again, the men they were interested in would:
• Start off eager and then suddenly panic and pull away, often without warning.
• Be very hesitant to commit, often telling the women things were moving too fast, even when THEY were the ones that got things moving fast in the ﬁrst place.
• Act very unsure about being with these women, no matter how amazing the women were.
On the other hand, I had a group of male friends who were head-overheels in love with their girlfriends and wives.
Whether they’d been together for one year or ten, they were all:
• Eager and excited to commit to these women
• Constantly posting on social media about how special their partner was and how lucky they were to be with her, and
• Willing to sacriﬁce and change for their partners, moving cities, changing careers or giving up lifelong habits that interfered with their relationships.
Clearly, there was a mismatch between how the men they dated were treating my female friends and the way my male friends were treating women they dated, their wives and girlfriends.
So my ﬁrst question was:
Was it something about these men that made them completely devoted to their wives and girlfriends… or was it something about the WOMEN they dated that made these men so certain they’d found ‘the one’?
The ‘right man’ myth.
“He’s a commitment-phobe”
“He’s emotionally unavailable”
“He doesn’t know what he wants”
“He’s scared of intimacy”
“He’s not mature enough to have a real relationship”
I’ve heard countless women use these phrases and phrases like them to explain why a certain man didn’t want to commit to them.
And while it’s true that some men are more ready for commitment than others… It’s a myth that a woman’s best bet for getting the commitment and devotion she wants in a relationship is mostly a matter of ﬁnding the right man.
I’ve seen dozens of men who appeared to be on the path to eternal bachelorhood meet a woman and become suddenly certain they wanted to marry her.
And more importantly, I’ve noticed that some women have every guy they go out with falling head-over-heels for them while other women keep experiencing the same pattern of withdrawal, hesitation and doubt in the men they date, leaving them asking: “Why wasn’t I enough for him?”
The implications of this question are so terrifying, it’s easier to think there’s something wrong with HIM — that he’s not mature enough, ethical enough or evolved enough to devote himself to one woman — than to consider the alternative: that maybe there was something about her that made him reluctant to commit.
The problem I’ve seen is that many women focus exclusively on ﬁnding the ‘right guy’ without examining how their own actions might affect the men they’re interested in.
They tend to repeat the same patterns over and over again, never escaping the cycle of withdrawal and rejection that keeps them stuck and single, or eventually forces them to settle for a man they’re not really that into.
Which brings me to my second question:
What makes a man SURE a woman is the one for him?
And what can a woman do to eliminate a man’s hesitation and doubt, and make him absolutely SURE about her?